Hairly Legal

I missed my real calling, playing in a hair band. I still could, I guess, be in a (receding) hair band. I think I’d name it the CombOverLords.

I got my Mesa Boogie running after being down for two years, only to learn I blew my speaker the same time as the amp. It happened while recording my 365 Songs in 365 Days. Everything blew up on the last chord of a particularly pissed off song about Pelosi, Reid, Boehner and McConnell, so I still got to post it. That song also blew my (kinda) friendship with Julianne Smolinski, known on Twitter as

Julianne Smolinsky is a comedienne and writer for Frankie and Grace and GQ contributor. She followed me on Twitter (I had about 2,000 followers and she had about 200,000) and one morning she posted a picture of a Menudo album and tweeted “My neighbor said Menudo is good for a hangover. It didn’t help.” I responded “It’s because they’re old and Chuy.” She cracked up at that and we started making fun of each other’s posts.

When I posted the Particularly Pissed Off song she unfollowed and blocked me. My final retort was “She taught me a lesson: You get a lot of followers with Boobs in your name.”

A couple of years back my son was streaming music as we were driving and I asked who it was performing one particularly catchy song and he said “I’d rather not say.” When I asked why he just showed me his phone’s screen. For those of you easily offended, place your fingers in your ears now, the screen displayed DJ Dog Dick. OK, you can take your fingers out now. I’m guessing you don’t get a lot of followers with Dog Dick in your naOOPS! Put your fingers back in your ears! Wait, cover your eyes! Okay, don’t read those last few sentences. Okay, you can open them now.

My friend Aaron came up with the best band name in the world, Better Than Herpes. No matter how bad the band may be, it will still be Better Than Herpes. Everything else is just playing for second place.

Anyways, yesterday I was listening to MrFijiwiji and Grubby Little Hands and thought the world must be running out of band names, so starting now, as a public service, I’m going to name my songs potential band names for any future bands reading my columns. So here’s the first one, named Potential Band Names.

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