An old buddy lamented my lack of columns lately and mentioned that he enjoyed them. Which he’s enjoying, the columns or the lack of them, I’m not sure.
I haven’t written lately because my laptop did some automatic update and now only runs, like, five minutes online and then stops, so I think I’ve reached the end of the internet.
No, that’s not it. It’s because a congressdude admitted he hadn’t read the new healthcare bill he just voted for (although Nancy Pelosi didn’t set the bar very high when she said of the previous healthcare bill “We have to pass it to know what’s in it,” which is code for “I didn’t read it”) and it made me realize that nobody reads anything over 140 characters anymore, so why bother.
No, that’s not it. It’s because, after reading the previous sentence, I have to fly to that congressdude’s office and thank him for at least being honest.
No, that’s not it. It’s because has there ever even been a movie with 140 characters, and I mean, like, real characters, not background people?
No, that’s not it. It’s because weatherbabe Monica Cortez said there’s a cold front coming and the temperature is going to plummet to 89 degrees so I’ve been preparing for a nuclear winter.
No, that’s not it. It’s because did you ever notice how TV stations always hire wheatherhunks or weatherbabes?
No, that’s not it. It’s because Chuck DeBroder is a great prognosticator but how does he fit into the previous sentence?
No, that’s not it. It’s because now I feel guilty for writing that previous sentence.
No, that’s not it. It’s because I’ve been practicing all of the dance moves from Justin Timberlake’s “Can’t Stop the Feeling” video. With Chuck DeBroder.
No, that’s not it. It’s because I’m so fat Chuck Debroder mistook me for a beachball and threw me in the trunk of his car and drove to California.
No, that’s not it. It’s because I picked up a hitchhiking migrant viejito and his 80 year old skin was tough as Chuck DeBroder, while my arm starts bleeding when Yeti yawns.
No, that’s not it. It’s because Chuck DeBroder is a character.
No, that’s not it. It’s because procrastination is a round-the-clock job and I ain’t got time to mess around. Yeah, that’s it.