Relationship Advice for the City of El Paso

Dear City of El Paso,

I get it. You’ve been dumped. Boeing left you for Huntsville, Alabama, and Huntsville doesn’t even have a Triple A ball team. Thousands of El Pasoans who’ve known you their whole lives are leaving you every year.

But, believe it or not, that’s no reason to act desperate, even if you are really, really, desperate.

Desperation is a real turnoff.

Yeah, you’re not getting any younger. Your best days are behind you, and frankly, you squandered them. But throwing yourself at every passing opportunity is no way to build a lasting relationship.

You’re acting like every passing retail outfit is the last lifeboat leaving the Titanic.

$45 million cash to Great Wolf?

You’re not even selling yourself cheap. You’re paying for it.

Really, you have to pay a company to move here? That show’s a serious lack of self esteem. On the dating scene, desperation is a real turnoff.

And look at you. Now you’ve got a reputation. You’re damaged goods. Who’s going to marry you now. Whose going to look at you as a serious partner?

You think pimping yourself up with pretty buildings and nice hotels will get a date? What, you’re going to drive a prospect down the street and say, “Here’s an Applebee’s, here’s a Great Wolf Lodge, across the street there, they’re gonna put an Arby’s.”

What a loser you are.

The kind of companies that are impressed by the kind of company you keep, especially when it’s that kind of company, aren’t going to stay with you when the going gets tough. And isn’t that what you want in a long term relationship?

Hustling all those vacuous retail outfits is like admitting that all your things are more interesting than you are. And maybe that’s true for the people making the decisions, but it’s not true for El Paso.

El Paso, you need to show a little self respect. Show those out of town companies that you think you’re worth something.

Work on yourself, and be yourself. Stop trying to act like you’re Austin, or Phoenix, or San Antonio. Those other towns already have that gig. You’re never going to be as Austin as Austin, or as Phoenix as Phoenix. But no other town is ever going to be as El Paso as you are.

So put your head up, and pull your shoulders back, and be proud of who you are.

In the immortal words of the great bard, “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.”




  1. “I’m still the best Keith Moon-style drummer in the world.” – Keith Moon

  2. I travel to Huntsville regularly for work. Great place to partake in some brown sugar…

  3. Actually Huntsville did have a AAA ball team called the Stars and in its early days (80s), a rookie called Jose Canseco played there. Attendance dropped, the folks in a bedroom community next to Huntsville repurposed underutilized industrial space into a new stadium a couple of years ago and now there is a AAA team in Madison. Just last week, Huntsville announced another new employer with 400 jobs. Yeah, I used to live there and as I look at my tax bill and the dim future I see for this city, I really question whether staying here makes sense. We have none of the dynamics that have made Huntsville successful and every time we lose an employer like Boeing, the possibility that we may turn things around gets more remote.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *