No GrassyAss

The other day I came home from work and the pups wanted to play hide and seek. Luckily, I was on my game and hadn’t started drinking yet, so I was easily able to spot them as the large, dog-shaped mounds of dead grass bounding about the den.

A family of meerkats rang the doorbell this morning, asking if they could move into the living room because it resembles the African savanna with fewer bushes and cheetahs and it made me realize that Loose Dead Grass Season has now become my least favorite season, replacing, um….Cold (It’s been in the 70’s and 80’s lately so I forgot what my previous Least Favorite Season was).

We went to the Loose Dead Grass and Blowing Dust Home and Garden Show a few weeks back and there were several fake grass companies with fake grass displays. I had considered putting it in my front yard so that, from afar, people would marvel at my watering and mowing skills but after some discussion with the fake grass experts on how hot the stuff gets in the summer, it became obvious that global warming is actually the result of artificial turf. I think it’s made out of asbestos so it doesn’t spontaneously combust when sunlight hits it.

The takeaway, though, is that between fake grass yards, CNN, bacon flavored turkey, turkey flavored tofu, rolling quorums, Caitlin Jenner, my daughter wearing a lion costume when she walks the dogs and my highly intellectual articles, we have become a nation of Not What It Seems led, ironically, by a president who seems to be exactly who he seemed to be, no matter how unseemly that may be.

Anyways, it used to be legal to burn your yard to get rid of dead grass, but after The Great Suburban Lawn Fire of ’72 on Catnip Street (which destroyed Moe and Ethel Furberger’s plywood shed and their beloved four horsepower Montgomery Ward lawn mower, affectionately called Pickles because of it’s green color), Al Gore and Global Warming, El Paso outlawed it so I’m thinking of inventing this thing to put around the doggy door, kinda like the dryer at the end of a drive-thru car wash, but it’s a vacuum sucking all the grass off of the dogs every time they come in, and I’m gonna put all that dead grass and the meerkats and everything else making my den look like the African savanna on a bus to Al Gore’s house, where he can spread it around his living room so it resembles some African country, like “Dimpled” Chad. Then he can be president of his own African savanna living room nation, with fewer Bush’s and cheaters.


  1. I do not know how big your yard is, but here is what I do know. Once upon a time, we had a very small back yard, with grass and trees and stuff. The area of grass was very small because we had a great big swimming pool. I had a sprinkler system the was left on all year round. And, guess what? With minimal water (something like 15 minutes per station, and there were only two stations, morning and evening on those days I was legally allowed to water) I had green grass year round. IOW, no dead grass!

    1. I dream of a future of your past, a blue and green back yard, year round. How’s your current yard?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *