Hey, it’s me, Rich, from El Chuqueño. I’m afraid you’ve been doing these 60 Hot Seconds wrong. It’s multimedia. You’re supposed to play the video and read the article at the same time. If you only read the story, you’re only getting half the message, and you’re missing out on some hot licks. Check it out.
The wonderful thing about having kids is they constantly remind you how stupid you are. Thankfully, I’m dense, too, so I’m still certain that I’m brilliant.
Twenty years ago I had a friend and mentor named Floyd who was literally a genius with an IQ of, like, eleventyhunerthousand. We had a lot of drinking adventures in remote areas of Texas, New Mexico and Arizona and I would spend the entire time asking him questions and picking his brain. I once jumped out of his van attempting to land on a wild turkey running beside us. Another time we were crossing over a river around midnight and decided to go for a swim. I reached into a hole in the river bank and pulled out a giant soft-shelled turtle who was obviously a morning person because he was very upset at being woken up at midnight. Maybe my kids are right.
One night we got real drunk in The Middle of Nowhere, Arizona, and crawled on top of his van and as we lied on our backs, looking at the stars, he told me all about the universe, so I’m pretty sure he was the son of those big headed brainiacs on that Star Trek episode. He was also a member of Mensa and I drove him crazy with questions about the organization, to which he would roll his eyes and move on, never answering a question.
I took the Mensa test and passed and when, with an absolute monotone voice and deadpan expression, was told I could join, I asked Floyd if the meetings were awesome. He finally responded to a question about Mensa by saying “It’s a bunch of assholes trying to prove they’re smarter than each other.” I never joined. Who in El Paso wants to belong to an organization called Mensa, anyway.
Besides, I already know I’m smarter than everyone else. Except for my wife and kids and co-workers and friends and neighbors and anyone I’ve ever met and pets and fruits and vegetables and most fauna and flora and anything else. Ever. But other than that, I’m smarter than everyone else. Except for dolphins, maybe. And whales. Did I mention Elephants? Beavers, too.
Hmmm, well who else can type nonsense on a phone while lying down? And otters don’t count!